She Is Going to Haunt the F*** Out of Us.

SARAH: Fact – going to serve popcorn and vodka at my funeral.
SARAH: Get excited.

It's Like Melville Meets Verne...Meets Cosby.

KATE: I got pudding for snack.
KATE: Probably it will call the bellywhales again.
KATE: Probably I'm willing to risk it.
KATE: Pudding, for you I would take on a whole pod of whales.
KATE: You know how if you hold a seashell up to your ear you can hear the ocean?
KATE: If you open the little container of pudding and listen real hard you can hear whale sounds.

A few minutes pass.

KATE: Here they come.
KATE: I DO NOT CARE I AM BETTER THAN WHALES AND SO IS PUDDING.
SARAH: Imagine whales swimming in pudding.
SARAH: Although if there was a pudding ocean separating us from London or Ireland or whatever, I bet we could eat our way through it.
SARAH: Because that’s not gross or unreasonable.
SARAH: Not if it was vanilla pudding though.
SARAH: That’s just bullshit.

PSA (Popcorn Service Announcement)

SARAH: Just dropped popcorn down my shirt.
SARAH: Just stuck my hand down my shirt to fish it out.
SARAH: At work.
SARAH: HEY EVERYONE I AM CLASSY

Sarah Has a Date Tonight

KATE: Craving: tortilla chips and Skittles.
KATE: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
SARAH: NOW I WANT IT TOO
SARAH: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
SARAH: Even better? NACHOS
SARAH: I will go to dinner and say NACHOS BRING ME NACHOS
SARAH: And that will be the end of the second date.

That Is One Handsome Melon

SARAH: Eating this honeydew melon.
SARAH: It’s amazing. I want to make out with it. Instead I’m eating it.
SARAH: Which is kind of like the same thing.
SARAH: I’m sure if I say I WANT TO EAT YOU to a manperson, he would say THAT’S THE SAME AS KISSYFACES.
SARAH: But this honeydew really is good. I just crammed a giant piece of it into my mouth.
SARAH: Like the classy-ass lady that I am.

Sarah Has Some Opinions About Things

SARAH: If you want to be a vegan, you shouldn’t be able to exist. End of freakin’ story.
SARAH: Any life without cheese and milk and goddamn eggs is not a life worth living.
SARAH: And everything basically has eggs and milk in it.
SARAH: French toast? Pancakes? FREAKIN’ SCRAMBLED EGGS?
SARAH: OMG ICE CREAM YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT YOU DUMB VEGAN IDIOTS

You Tell 'Em.

SARAH: It smells like pizza around here.
SARAH: I'm eating a piece of chocolate.
SARAH: Suck on that, Thursday.

Sarah Loves Cadbury

Just ate a Cadbury caramel egg and there might have been foil stuck on it and I might have eaten it anyway…but you can’t prove it

She's Not Wrong.

SARAH: Still digging out from all my emails. 
SARAH: It probably doesn’t help that I have some serious ADD right now.
SARAH: OMG BREAD IS SO GOOD.

The Office Awkwardness Continues

SARAH: Looking for things to do.
SARAH: Talking about Coworker K with food. That’s all I’ve been able to do.
SARAH: Talking about food. Loving talking about food.
KATE: You're probably talking about food with Coworker K. Not the other way around.
KATE: But I could be wrong.
SARAH: Nope – talking with food about Coworker K.
SARAH: It’s getting weird because I know that Coworker K can hear me and the food doesn’t care.

The Meaning of Meaning

SARAH: We are the most thrilling girls that I know.
SARAH: Totally and absolutely.
SARAH: OMG ALMOST POPCORN TIME DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!!?!?!
SARAH: Its almost popcorn time. That’s what it means.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

SARAH: Borat knows about Best of Sarah but I haven’t sent him the link.  It’s a little...much.
SARAH: Also, all I talk about is drinking, steak and sexy times. 
SARAH: I don’t think that really is all I’m about. 
SARAH: I also like cupcakes. 
SARAH: And glitter. 
SARAH: And goddamn unicorns.
SARAH: And did I mention you?  I LOVE YOU TOTES GAY OVER HERE

She's Got the Snacktime Train Blues

SARAH: I’m thinking it’s snack time. 
SARAH: But considering I almost choked to death yesterday on my snack, it’s a little scary. 
SARAH: But maybe today I have my shit together and I can eat things without dying.
SARAH: Mashed Potato Johnson, play me off!

Population: 1

SARAH: I'm sitting at my desk giggling like a crazy person. I’ve snapped. GOODBYE.
SARAH:  (Not leaving work. Just entering Crazytown.)
KATE: Come on, Crackers. It's time for you to go home.
SARAH: Crackers? Like animal crackers? 
SARAH: What kind of crackers? With cheese? 
SARAH: WITH WINE AND CHEESE?
SARAH: Know what I think is going to happen tonight? 
SARAH: Dance party. DANCE PARTY IN THE KITCHEN. EVERYONE GETS A HUMPBACK WHALE

Sarah and Kate are Cake Snobs

KATE: They had a store cake for Karen's birthday and did I have any?
KATE: No, I did not. Even though it was chocolate. 
KATE: You may praise me now.
SARAH: Kate, you and I are stone-cold bitches that no one can fuck with. 
SARAH: No shitty cake for us. 
SARAH: NO SHITTY CAKE

Sarah Decides to Make Soft Pretzels

SARAH: Oh man, I cannot stand the idea of not having them. 
SARAH: EVERYONE. LOVE ME. I GET POSSESSED BY THE FLOUR DEVIL
SARAH: Hello, I cookin’ you tomorrow?
SARAH: We have some problems.
SARAH: KATE. SOFT PRETZELS. 
SARAH: IT’S 17 FORMS OF WIN

Sarah Anticipates The Coming Weekend and Reflects on the Previous

SARAH: I’ll be rolling around in carbs and beer, so I really can't judge anyone.
KATE: The image of you rolling around in carbs and beer has nearly paralyzed me.
KATE: I picture you on the ground on a cushion of hot dog buns and donuts, just rolling, like Ollie does on a mouse.
SARAH: I also like the idea of me sitting in a kiddie pool filled with beer and drinkin’ it with a straw.
SARAH: Or vodka!
SARAH: Ohhhhhhhhhh how I love Zen and Gil for having vodka for me on Sunday night.
SARAH: And I’m sure all the boys that were there love them too
SARAH: Because I was all YOU CAN HAVE MY NUMBER LOOK BOOBS I SPILL EVERYTHING I AM A WALKING DISASTER
SARAH: Boys. They totes want me.

I'm Inclined to Agree

Pam wants me to come over tonight, but I wanted to go to the mall so maybe we ALL COULD GO TO THE MALL in the biggest gayest fallout anywhere and do you know what they have at the mall THEY HAVE PRETZELS AND I WANT ONE.
 
I think I’ve had too much sugar today. What are YOUR thoughts?

She's Going to Be Talking About Fish Oil A Lot, You Guys

SARAH: There is a hunger in my belly.  FEED ME, it says. 
SARAH: You wait your damn turn, stomach. 
SARAH: I already gave you Swedish fish and fish oil. What more could you want?
KATE: Please tell me you have eaten something other than Poseidon tears and Swedish fish today.
SARAH: I had some cereal. But the only thing that really matters are Swedish fish and Poseidon tears. 
SARAH: I wonder what’s going on in my tummy, what with such magical shit. 
SARAH: OH MAN, what if the Poseidon tears turned the Swedish fish into REAL FISH? 
SARAH: WOULDN”T THAT BE CRAZY?!?!?!

Sartre Had Similar Issues

SARAH: I want chili. I most certainly do not want my rice and veggies for lunch. But I’m going to eat it. I’m going to eat it and be pissed with every bite. 
SARAH: I basically loathe every human being I have seen since I woke up. 
SARAH: Did I add that I am having an existential hair crisis? 
SARAH: I couldn’t figure out if I was blonde or not. Which means that I’m really actually a blonde. 
SARAH: But I know about existentialism. Which makes me not blonde. 
SARAH: And as you can see, I’m back at the crossroads of my life.
KATE: You're blonde. Trust me on this one. I learned my colors in school. I was good at it.
SARAH: Kate, if I ever wasn’t a blonde, I might end it. 
SARAH: Because my entire existence is based on the fact that I am blonde. Not Barbie blonde, but I’m blonde.
SARAH: And if ever I were not to be, I wouldn’t know how to act.
SARAH: As opposed to now, when I just don’t know how to act for the sake of not knowing how to act.
KATE: Since when has your existence been based on the fact that you're blonde?
KATE: What the hell kind of existence is that?
SARAH: It’s my blonde existence! It’s the existence I’ve had for 25 years. 
SARAH: It’s based on the fact that because I have blonde hair, I can do whatever I want.  And you know, make unreasonable demands. 
SARAH: It is my blonde existence! 
SARAH: I do not have to justify it to you (mostly because I cannot)!

A few minutes later

SARAH: Besides, if I had hair like BJ’s or something, I would have already thrown myself off a cliff.  Because that is stupid hair.
KATE: I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around the idea that your hair color is what justifies unreasonable demands. I thought you just made them because you could.
KATE: If you were a brunette you could do the same thing.
SARAH: But would anyone listen to me? No. They would not. 
SARAH: Then I would just seem like I was being picky about things. It seems more conniving when you’re blonde. 
SARAH: I’m just making shit up at this point, you know that, right? Like, I don’t even believe what I’m saying.

A few minutes later

SARAH: Or maybe I do.

A few minutes later

SARAH: Perhaps I don’t.