Sarah Solves Problems

KATE: Ugh I am all puffy and it is making me so sad. I wish I could just deflate myself.
SARAH: Would you like me to poke you with a pin? Then you will not feel so bloaty. I will deflate you!
KATE: Yes. Deflate me please. This is ridiculous. I looked in the mirror last night and didn't recognize myself, because I'm a balloon. So yes.
SARAH: Maybe someone should squeeze you and then all the air would come out. That’s a thought too.
KATE: Or pee would come out. That's more likely.
SARAH: If I squeezed you and pee came out, I would laugh. Then I would be sad because you peed on me, but clearly I would be asking for it.

Kate and Sarah: A Study in Hydrology

KATE: My headache is still there and I've almost finished my Nalgene. Guess it's time for another one. I love that, despite all evidence to the contrary, you and I drink water like it's going to fix things. It's not. It's a nice drink and everything, but clearly it has not cured us yet. But maybe we just haven't had enough. (har har).
SARAH: You are right about the water. We drink it like it’s some sort of magic potion…but it’s not. It just makes us pee a lot and THAT is not magic. That’s how your damn body works.

Look at Her Go

Man, look at us, improving our lives. Or at least you are improving your life and I’m sitting here on my busted broken fat ass saying “MAN, LOOK AT KATE GO” and then eating everything that can fit in my mouth. Kind of like Ollie. Oh god, I’m turning into Ollie. Soon my mom will love me and squeeze me and feed me nonstop.
 
Wait. Who am I kidding? That will never happen.

Somehow It Always Becomes About the Crushing.

My sunburn is okay. It’s a little burny. Headache is painy. Knees are okay – it’s actually my thigh muscles that hurt super bad. And they are getting better and I know they hurt like this because I’m working them out and then they will be all good and strong and WHOO WATCH OUT MEN, I WILL CRUSH YOU WITH MY LEGS.

Sarah Empathizes

Dear Flaky Cat Lady,

No one cares that you are too poor to have a dryer or that all your towels are now wet or that your shower tomorrow might not happen. That is a gross overshare. And no one cares. Especially me. I don’t care the most.