Every Receptacle Is Exactly the Same

SARAH: I do not have plans on Sunday, other than to wallow in a puddle of tears.
SARAH: I KID. It won’t be a puddle.
SARAH: It will be a bathtub.
KATE: There's a Dethklok song called "Briefcase Full of Guts."
KATE: That's kind of like a bathtub full of tears.
KATE: And you can't forget "Suitcase Full of Vomit."
SARAH: That’s right. Suitcase full of vomit. Briefcase full of guts.
SARAH: Hatbox full of underarm sweat.
SARAH: It’s all the same.

Thank Goodness.

SARAH: French Fry Heaven is following me on Twitter.
SARAH: Happy days are here again!

Last Year We Had a Pet Fish Named Chuck Norris. Sarah Killed Him.

SARAH: Just told 21 about Chuck Norris the betta fish.
SARAH: I haven't told him how he died yet.
SARAH: How did Chuck Norris die?
SARAH: OH, I JUST LEFT THE WINDOW OPEN AND HE FROZE TO DEATH AND GOT ALL BLOATED AND I MADE KATE FLUSH HIM
KATE: Poor Chuck Norris. We should have known he would be no match for you.
SARAH: That’s right. I have bested Chuck Norris.
SARAH: Some might argue that the weather did, but we know that I feed Pudge the Fish.
SARAH: And he controls the weather.
SARAH: So I, in fact, used the weather CONTROLLED BY A FISH, to kill Chuck Norris, WHO IS A PERSON AND A FISH.
SARAH: BOOM. ROASTED

Sarah's Grandma Is a Total Rockstar From Mars

SARAH: Fact – my grandma quoted Charlie Sheen today. 
SARAH: She said something about tiger blood in her veins.
SARAH: And then said DUH WINNING
SARAH: My grandma is the coolest person ever.
SARAH: SHE’S ON A DRUG CALLED CHARLIE SHEEN AND ALSO CRAZY ITALIAN GRANDMA

Extremely Special Olympics

SARAH: B1 was on a roll yesterday during speed skating. 
SARAH: He got put in time out because he was cursing.
SARAH: He’s not supposed to be doing that, apparently. 
SARAH: Oh! And I forgot to tell you!
SARAH: We were cheering for him and shouting and making all the noise that we do and we distracted one of the other athletes and he almost skated into the wall and then B1 passed him. 
SARAH: It’s our new way of helping B1 win.

Not All Babies Are Ugly Babies

OMG that kid is so cute, you have to wear some sort of suit around her. Because otherwise you might die from the cuteness.

Five Rings Might Be Too Many

Yesterday was Special Olympics speed skating. B1 told us he’s retiring next year and going to drive the zamboni instead.

Co-Dependent? More Like Awesome-Dependent.

KATE: I mentioned you a few times last night. I did not start shouting about how amazing you are, so I think that was pretty smart of me.
SARAH: It’s kind of hard to resist shouting about you. I have that issue sometimes. 
SARAH: And by sometimes, I mean all the time.

Sarah Needs More Vodka If She's Going to Have to Deal With You (An Open Letter)

Dear boys,

Please read this. Please learn. You make me tired.
 
Love,
Sarah

It's True. Check Your Clock.

SARAH: ALMOST SNACK TIME OVER UP IN THIS BITCH OVER THERE POSSIBLY BEHIND SOMETHING.
SARAH: I have no idea what that means.  But I said it. 
SARAH: I could have deleted it. 
SARAH: But I didn’t.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back On the Internet

KATE: WHOA. My planets just collided. LiLu just reblogged BJ on Tumblr.
KATE: What is going on?
SARAH: WHAT. 
SARAH: WHAT. 
SARAH: BJ DOES NOT EXIST HE IS NOT REAL

She's Not Wrong.

SARAH: Still digging out from all my emails. 
SARAH: It probably doesn’t help that I have some serious ADD right now.
SARAH: OMG BREAD IS SO GOOD.