SARAH: Borat knows about Best of Sarah but I haven’t sent him the link. It’s a little...much.
SARAH: Also, all I talk about is drinking, steak and sexy times.
SARAH: I don’t think that really is all I’m about.
SARAH: I also like cupcakes.
SARAH: And glitter.
SARAH: And goddamn unicorns.
SARAH: And did I mention you? I LOVE YOU TOTES GAY OVER HERE
Sunday, September 26, 2010
She's Got the Snacktime Train Blues
SARAH: I’m thinking it’s snack time.
SARAH: But considering I almost choked to death yesterday on my snack, it’s a little scary.
SARAH: But maybe today I have my shit together and I can eat things without dying.
SARAH: Mashed Potato Johnson, play me off!
SARAH: But considering I almost choked to death yesterday on my snack, it’s a little scary.
SARAH: But maybe today I have my shit together and I can eat things without dying.
SARAH: Mashed Potato Johnson, play me off!
I'm Pretty Sure He Doesn't Mind
SARAH: Just started tweaking. What the hell is my problem?
SARAH: SELF. GET A GRIP. DON’T BE A WEIRDO.
SARAH: That didn’t seem to work.
SARAH: I apologize to the baby jesus for my inability to be a normal human.
SARAH: Or a unicorn.
SARAH: Or a cupcake, for that matter.
SARAH: SELF. GET A GRIP. DON’T BE A WEIRDO.
SARAH: That didn’t seem to work.
SARAH: I apologize to the baby jesus for my inability to be a normal human.
SARAH: Or a unicorn.
SARAH: Or a cupcake, for that matter.
Because Unicorns...Well. They Make Cupcakes. With Their Butts.
SARAH: Kate, we are so gay that I am very surprised that rainbows don’t follow in our wake.
KATE: Me too. But we aren't unicorns.
KATE: At least I'm not.
SARAH: You don’t shit cupcakes?
SARAH: Cause if you did shit cupcakes and you didn’t tell me, our soupsnakery would be over.
SARAH: D-U-N.
KATE: I don't, I don't.
SARAH: Welcome to Shit Sarah Says on Fridays – Birthday Edition.
SARAH: OMG IT IS MY BIRTHDAY
KATE: Me too. But we aren't unicorns.
KATE: At least I'm not.
SARAH: You don’t shit cupcakes?
SARAH: Cause if you did shit cupcakes and you didn’t tell me, our soupsnakery would be over.
SARAH: D-U-N.
KATE: I don't, I don't.
SARAH: Welcome to Shit Sarah Says on Fridays – Birthday Edition.
SARAH: OMG IT IS MY BIRTHDAY
At Least She Realizes This
SARAH: Things I shouldn’t say to anyone that isn’t you:
SARAH: Uhh…everything I just said to you.
SARAH: Uhh…everything I just said to you.
Much Better.
SARAH: Yeah, this birthday really is the cat’s pajamas.
SARAH: I mean, last year was also good. Don’t get me wrong.
SARAH: You put a lot of effort into that and I was just too much Sally Sadpants to realize it.
SARAH: But I still had fun.
SARAH: This year, I need freakin’ DotCom to come and sit on me. I’m overstimulated.
SARAH: I mean, last year was also good. Don’t get me wrong.
SARAH: You put a lot of effort into that and I was just too much Sally Sadpants to realize it.
SARAH: But I still had fun.
SARAH: This year, I need freakin’ DotCom to come and sit on me. I’m overstimulated.
Gold Medalists, Right Here
SARAH: I have social special needs – I’m not going to say I’m socially retarded, even though I am.
SARAH: And I just did.
SARAH: This is a fact. But you seem to like me anyway.
KATE: You know what? I do like you anyway.
KATE: And look who you're talking to.
KATE: If there were a social special olympics, you and I would definitely be competitors. You could just run down the track yelling everything that pops into your head, and I can contort myself into impossible positions while trying to hide from social activities.
KATE: It'll be great!
SARAH: Can we make that an event for tomorrow night?
SARAH: We can run around the cul-de-sac shouting things and no one will question us because that’s about what happens normally
SARAH: And I just did.
SARAH: This is a fact. But you seem to like me anyway.
KATE: You know what? I do like you anyway.
KATE: And look who you're talking to.
KATE: If there were a social special olympics, you and I would definitely be competitors. You could just run down the track yelling everything that pops into your head, and I can contort myself into impossible positions while trying to hide from social activities.
KATE: It'll be great!
SARAH: Can we make that an event for tomorrow night?
SARAH: We can run around the cul-de-sac shouting things and no one will question us because that’s about what happens normally
Anything You Say Can and Will Be Held Against You in a Court of Madonna
Things I might be doing – singing "Borderline" under my breath. I mean, that might be happening. I don’t think you can prove it though.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Texts from Sarah: Airport Security Edition
SARAH: Guess who just got frisked!
SARAH: That's the most action I've gotten in months.
SARAH: I almost wanted to thank her
SARAH: That's the most action I've gotten in months.
SARAH: I almost wanted to thank her
FB, Are You Listening?
SARAH: Gayyyyyyyyyyyyyy we are super gayyyyyyyyyyy for each other.
SARAH: It’s too bad there isn’t a relationship status on Facebook that is “Totes Gay for Each Other” because if there was, we would be that
KATE: I would rescind my policy of not having a relationship status on Facebook if that were an option.
SARAH: It’s too bad there isn’t a relationship status on Facebook that is “Totes Gay for Each Other” because if there was, we would be that
KATE: I would rescind my policy of not having a relationship status on Facebook if that were an option.
No, The RHYMING Katetionary
SARAH: Just got an e-mail from Karen: Going to pick up my laptop tonight! And then have dinner and kissy faces!
SARAH: Kate, we are taking over the word universe and winning SO HARD
SARAH: Kate, we are taking over the word universe and winning SO HARD
Do Not Read This Post
SARAH: Don't read this article because it's gross.
SARAH: Just read the headline.
SARAH: Basically it tells you what to do when your arm flies out of your body.
SARAH: CNN felt like this is a topic that they should address because APPARENTLY people are losing their shit left and right
SARAH: Just read the headline.
SARAH: Basically it tells you what to do when your arm flies out of your body.
SARAH: CNN felt like this is a topic that they should address because APPARENTLY people are losing their shit left and right
Population: 1
SARAH: I'm sitting at my desk giggling like a crazy person. I’ve snapped. GOODBYE.
SARAH: (Not leaving work. Just entering Crazytown.)
KATE: Come on, Crackers. It's time for you to go home.
SARAH: Crackers? Like animal crackers?
SARAH: What kind of crackers? With cheese?
SARAH: WITH WINE AND CHEESE?
SARAH: Know what I think is going to happen tonight?
SARAH: Dance party. DANCE PARTY IN THE KITCHEN. EVERYONE GETS A HUMPBACK WHALE
SARAH: (Not leaving work. Just entering Crazytown.)
KATE: Come on, Crackers. It's time for you to go home.
SARAH: Crackers? Like animal crackers?
SARAH: What kind of crackers? With cheese?
SARAH: WITH WINE AND CHEESE?
SARAH: Know what I think is going to happen tonight?
SARAH: Dance party. DANCE PARTY IN THE KITCHEN. EVERYONE GETS A HUMPBACK WHALE
Sarah Plans Her Evening
After work, I am going to go to the grocery store and get things for dinner and then I will come home and maybe I will play with the Wii Fit that can tell me HEY FATTY GET THE HELL OFF YOU ARE BREAKING ME.
Thanks, a-hole. I’m going to take out your batteries.
Thanks, a-hole. I’m going to take out your batteries.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Sarah and Kate are Cake Snobs
KATE: They had a store cake for Karen's birthday and did I have any?
KATE: No, I did not. Even though it was chocolate.
KATE: You may praise me now.
SARAH: Kate, you and I are stone-cold bitches that no one can fuck with.
SARAH: No shitty cake for us.
SARAH: NO SHITTY CAKE
KATE: No, I did not. Even though it was chocolate.
KATE: You may praise me now.
SARAH: Kate, you and I are stone-cold bitches that no one can fuck with.
SARAH: No shitty cake for us.
SARAH: NO SHITTY CAKE
Sarah's Company Had a "Tailgate" "Party"
SARAH: I am going to slaughter the HR lady.
SARAH: I emailed her to tell her about who was on our flip cup team.
SARAH: And I said, “Here’s the team roster:”
SARAH: Which she took to mean our team name. Our team name is Team Roster.
SARAH: GO TEAM ROSTER.
KATE: That's...wow. Wow wow wow.
SARAH: That’s what I’m saying. Apparently you don’t need to know words to work in HR.
SARAH: I emailed her to tell her about who was on our flip cup team.
SARAH: And I said, “Here’s the team roster:”
SARAH: Which she took to mean our team name. Our team name is Team Roster.
SARAH: GO TEAM ROSTER.
KATE: That's...wow. Wow wow wow.
SARAH: That’s what I’m saying. Apparently you don’t need to know words to work in HR.
Sarah Decides to Make Soft Pretzels
SARAH: Oh man, I cannot stand the idea of not having them.
SARAH: EVERYONE. LOVE ME. I GET POSSESSED BY THE FLOUR DEVIL
SARAH: Hello, I cookin’ you tomorrow?
SARAH: We have some problems.
SARAH: KATE. SOFT PRETZELS.
SARAH: IT’S 17 FORMS OF WIN
SARAH: EVERYONE. LOVE ME. I GET POSSESSED BY THE FLOUR DEVIL
SARAH: Hello, I cookin’ you tomorrow?
SARAH: We have some problems.
SARAH: KATE. SOFT PRETZELS.
SARAH: IT’S 17 FORMS OF WIN
We Love Pioneer Woman. A Lot.
KATE: Oh, I love Pioneer Woman.
SARAH: She’s one of the people that I’m blaming for my love of blue collar men.
SARAH: Because hello, she married a man that makes her hiney tingle.
SARAH: Who doesn’t want that? Everyone wants that. HINEY TINGLES, BITCHES
KATE: You know, you can get hiney tingles from any kind of man.
KATE: He doesn't have to be a redneck.
KATE: I know in your case it's a definite plus if he is, but I'm just saying.
SARAH: Hiney tingles. Sexytimes. I want such simple things.
SARAH: I imagine hiney tingles to be like the episode of Futurama where they turn Bender into a human and he’s sitting at the bar and his butt is wiggling without him doing it.
SARAH: I’d like to think that’s how it goes down.
SARAH: She’s one of the people that I’m blaming for my love of blue collar men.
SARAH: Because hello, she married a man that makes her hiney tingle.
SARAH: Who doesn’t want that? Everyone wants that. HINEY TINGLES, BITCHES
KATE: You know, you can get hiney tingles from any kind of man.
KATE: He doesn't have to be a redneck.
KATE: I know in your case it's a definite plus if he is, but I'm just saying.
SARAH: Hiney tingles. Sexytimes. I want such simple things.
SARAH: I imagine hiney tingles to be like the episode of Futurama where they turn Bender into a human and he’s sitting at the bar and his butt is wiggling without him doing it.
SARAH: I’d like to think that’s how it goes down.
Sarah Anticipates The Coming Weekend and Reflects on the Previous
SARAH: I’ll be rolling around in carbs and beer, so I really can't judge anyone.
KATE: The image of you rolling around in carbs and beer has nearly paralyzed me.
KATE: I picture you on the ground on a cushion of hot dog buns and donuts, just rolling, like Ollie does on a mouse.
SARAH: I also like the idea of me sitting in a kiddie pool filled with beer and drinkin’ it with a straw.
SARAH: Or vodka!
SARAH: Ohhhhhhhhhh how I love Zen and Gil for having vodka for me on Sunday night.
SARAH: And I’m sure all the boys that were there love them too
SARAH: Because I was all YOU CAN HAVE MY NUMBER LOOK BOOBS I SPILL EVERYTHING I AM A WALKING DISASTER
SARAH: Boys. They totes want me.
KATE: The image of you rolling around in carbs and beer has nearly paralyzed me.
KATE: I picture you on the ground on a cushion of hot dog buns and donuts, just rolling, like Ollie does on a mouse.
SARAH: I also like the idea of me sitting in a kiddie pool filled with beer and drinkin’ it with a straw.
SARAH: Or vodka!
SARAH: Ohhhhhhhhhh how I love Zen and Gil for having vodka for me on Sunday night.
SARAH: And I’m sure all the boys that were there love them too
SARAH: Because I was all YOU CAN HAVE MY NUMBER LOOK BOOBS I SPILL EVERYTHING I AM A WALKING DISASTER
SARAH: Boys. They totes want me.
I Think She's Paraphrasing
I just got an email from Spanx. And it said, “Guess what, fatty! Soon you’ll be able to fit into your dress! MAYBE YOU SHOULD EAT LESS”
Friday, September 3, 2010
Is That Going to Stop Her? I Think You Know the Answer.
SARAH: Things I cannot do: drink water from my water bottle and walk.
SARAH: Things I think I can do: drink water from my water bottle and walk.
SARAH: Hello office mates, I am a mature adult women that dumps water down her shirt.
SARAH: You want to see my boobs? Now you can!
SARAH: Things I think I can do: drink water from my water bottle and walk.
SARAH: Hello office mates, I am a mature adult women that dumps water down her shirt.
SARAH: You want to see my boobs? Now you can!
I'm Inclined to Agree
Pam wants me to come over tonight, but I wanted to go to the mall so maybe we ALL COULD GO TO THE MALL in the biggest gayest fallout anywhere and do you know what they have at the mall THEY HAVE PRETZELS AND I WANT ONE.
I think I’ve had too much sugar today. What are YOUR thoughts?
I think I’ve had too much sugar today. What are YOUR thoughts?
Introducing: Borat
Borat sent me a text message last night telling me that he hoped I dreamed of unicorns. Man. I wish I dreamed of unicorns. That would be friggin’ awesome.
She's Going to Be Talking About Fish Oil A Lot, You Guys
SARAH: There is a hunger in my belly. FEED ME, it says.
SARAH: You wait your damn turn, stomach.
SARAH: I already gave you Swedish fish and fish oil. What more could you want?
KATE: Please tell me you have eaten something other than Poseidon tears and Swedish fish today.
SARAH: I had some cereal. But the only thing that really matters are Swedish fish and Poseidon tears.
SARAH: I wonder what’s going on in my tummy, what with such magical shit.
SARAH: OH MAN, what if the Poseidon tears turned the Swedish fish into REAL FISH?
SARAH: WOULDN”T THAT BE CRAZY?!?!?!
SARAH: You wait your damn turn, stomach.
SARAH: I already gave you Swedish fish and fish oil. What more could you want?
KATE: Please tell me you have eaten something other than Poseidon tears and Swedish fish today.
SARAH: I had some cereal. But the only thing that really matters are Swedish fish and Poseidon tears.
SARAH: I wonder what’s going on in my tummy, what with such magical shit.
SARAH: OH MAN, what if the Poseidon tears turned the Swedish fish into REAL FISH?
SARAH: WOULDN”T THAT BE CRAZY?!?!?!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
HINT HINT HINT HINT
SARAH: I need to get brown sugar and then tonight I can make cookies. Cookies for the new girl at work!! Except not.
KATE: What are they for?
KATE: Are they Hey Everybody Please Remember My Birthday cookies?
KATE: They should be. You should put a piece of paper inside each cookie that says SARAH'S BIRTHDAY IS LATER THIS MONTH, ASSHAT.
SARAH: Man, that would be so awesome.
KATE: What are they for?
KATE: Are they Hey Everybody Please Remember My Birthday cookies?
KATE: They should be. You should put a piece of paper inside each cookie that says SARAH'S BIRTHDAY IS LATER THIS MONTH, ASSHAT.
SARAH: Man, that would be so awesome.
Sarah Was Born During the Industrial Fish Revolution
SARAH: I feel like when you make fish oil, you just squeeze a fish really really hard until all the oil comes out.
SARAH: This is your Sarah Thought of the Day.
KATE: What sort of machine does that, do you think? Or is it just some guy with a fish in his hand, squeezing it like a lemon?
SARAH: I don’t know. Maybe in third-world countries someone squeezes fish by hand. But here, in America, we use a fish squeeze press.
SARAH: This is your Sarah Thought of the Day.
KATE: What sort of machine does that, do you think? Or is it just some guy with a fish in his hand, squeezing it like a lemon?
SARAH: I don’t know. Maybe in third-world countries someone squeezes fish by hand. But here, in America, we use a fish squeeze press.
Like An Easy Button, But for Rage.
SARAH: I wish I had some sort of buzzer that I could hit when people made me mad.
KATE: You'd never stop.
SARAH: Then people should stop making me mad.
KATE: You'd never stop.
SARAH: Then people should stop making me mad.
Just Around the Corner from Crazypants
SARAH: We are all sadpants sometimes.
KATE: It's true.
SARAH: Everyone gets a little sad in their pants sometimes.
SARAH: But you change pants
SARAH: And can put happy ones on.
KATE: Sometimes you surpass even Tracy Jordan in your wisdom.
SARAH: Why, thank you!
KATE: I think I am currently wearing happy pants. Or at least well-adjusted pants.
SARAH: Good
SARAH: You can always adjust your pants.
SARAH: But not in public.
KATE: It's true.
SARAH: Everyone gets a little sad in their pants sometimes.
SARAH: But you change pants
SARAH: And can put happy ones on.
KATE: Sometimes you surpass even Tracy Jordan in your wisdom.
SARAH: Why, thank you!
KATE: I think I am currently wearing happy pants. Or at least well-adjusted pants.
SARAH: Good
SARAH: You can always adjust your pants.
SARAH: But not in public.
How Frosty Is It?
SARAH: I'm being a frosty ice princess right now.
SARAH: I'm so frosty I can ice my own knee.
SARAH: I'm so frosty, you'd need to wear a winter coat in my room.
SARAH: I'm so frosty that Jack fuckin' Frost looks like the sun.
SARAH: Frosty the goddamn Snowman aint got SHIT on me.
KATE: Sing it.
SARAH: Or snow, for that matter.
SARAH: I'm so frosty that winter needs to go to the southern hemisphere when I'm around.
SARAH: I'm SO frosty that I don't even have to make sense.
KATE: That IS frosty.
KATE: And does it frost your butt?
SARAH: Frosts my butt.
SARAH: And burns my biscuits.
SARAH: And also greases my chassis
SARAH: Which is a personal problem
SARAH: I overshared.
SARAH: I'm so frosty I can ice my own knee.
SARAH: I'm so frosty, you'd need to wear a winter coat in my room.
SARAH: I'm so frosty that Jack fuckin' Frost looks like the sun.
SARAH: Frosty the goddamn Snowman aint got SHIT on me.
KATE: Sing it.
SARAH: Or snow, for that matter.
SARAH: I'm so frosty that winter needs to go to the southern hemisphere when I'm around.
SARAH: I'm SO frosty that I don't even have to make sense.
KATE: That IS frosty.
KATE: And does it frost your butt?
SARAH: Frosts my butt.
SARAH: And burns my biscuits.
SARAH: And also greases my chassis
SARAH: Which is a personal problem
SARAH: I overshared.
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