SARAH: It's just so...hideous.
SARAH: I am a bad, bad person.
KATE: Well, that is a seriously ugly baby. That's not your fault.
KATE:...Looking for photos of it, on the other hand...well. That might be your fault.
KATE: But I appreciate it. And damn, that baby is ugly.
SARAH: I’m only half at fault. Or a quarter at fault.
SARAH: Or some percentage.
SARAH: She shouldn’t put pictures of the ugly baby on the internet if she doesn’t want anyone to say, "DAMN THAT IS AN UGLY BABY"
Monday, August 30, 2010
Another Wild Night in Cupcake Land
KATE: (stepping out of the shower, calling down the stairs): Hey, I thought of something.
SARAH: What?
KATE: It's the dorkiest hypothetical question in human history. I mean it.
SARAH: What is it?
KATE: If I cast Lumos solem, would I break out in hives?
SARAH stands at the foot of the stairs, speechless.
KATE: Is it real sunlight? Like would the UV rays affect my immune system?
SARAH: You are not allowed to take showers anymore.
SARAH: What?
KATE: It's the dorkiest hypothetical question in human history. I mean it.
SARAH: What is it?
KATE: If I cast Lumos solem, would I break out in hives?
SARAH stands at the foot of the stairs, speechless.
KATE: Is it real sunlight? Like would the UV rays affect my immune system?
SARAH: You are not allowed to take showers anymore.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Crisis, Continued
KATE: I should tell you, I get away with a lot more as a redhead than I ever did as a blonde-ish person.
KATE: But that's probably because my red hair gives me the attitude to try more.
KATE: People expect gingers to be trouble. I'm just doing my job.
SARAH: And maybe I’m just doing my job.
SARAH: My job of being AWESOME LIKE TOTALLY.
SARAH: Save me. Save me from myself.
KATE: But that's probably because my red hair gives me the attitude to try more.
KATE: People expect gingers to be trouble. I'm just doing my job.
SARAH: And maybe I’m just doing my job.
SARAH: My job of being AWESOME LIKE TOTALLY.
SARAH: Save me. Save me from myself.
Sartre Had Similar Issues
SARAH: I want chili. I most certainly do not want my rice and veggies for lunch. But I’m going to eat it. I’m going to eat it and be pissed with every bite.
SARAH: I basically loathe every human being I have seen since I woke up.
SARAH: Did I add that I am having an existential hair crisis?
SARAH: I couldn’t figure out if I was blonde or not. Which means that I’m really actually a blonde.
SARAH: But I know about existentialism. Which makes me not blonde.
SARAH: And as you can see, I’m back at the crossroads of my life.
KATE: You're blonde. Trust me on this one. I learned my colors in school. I was good at it.
SARAH: Kate, if I ever wasn’t a blonde, I might end it.
SARAH: Because my entire existence is based on the fact that I am blonde. Not Barbie blonde, but I’m blonde.
SARAH: And if ever I were not to be, I wouldn’t know how to act.
SARAH: As opposed to now, when I just don’t know how to act for the sake of not knowing how to act.
KATE: Since when has your existence been based on the fact that you're blonde?
KATE: What the hell kind of existence is that?
SARAH: It’s my blonde existence! It’s the existence I’ve had for 25 years.
SARAH: It’s based on the fact that because I have blonde hair, I can do whatever I want. And you know, make unreasonable demands.
SARAH: It is my blonde existence!
SARAH: I do not have to justify it to you (mostly because I cannot)!
A few minutes later
SARAH: Besides, if I had hair like BJ’s or something, I would have already thrown myself off a cliff. Because that is stupid hair.
KATE: I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around the idea that your hair color is what justifies unreasonable demands. I thought you just made them because you could.
KATE: If you were a brunette you could do the same thing.
SARAH: But would anyone listen to me? No. They would not.
SARAH: Then I would just seem like I was being picky about things. It seems more conniving when you’re blonde.
SARAH: I’m just making shit up at this point, you know that, right? Like, I don’t even believe what I’m saying.
A few minutes later
SARAH: Or maybe I do.
A few minutes later
SARAH: Perhaps I don’t.
SARAH: I basically loathe every human being I have seen since I woke up.
SARAH: Did I add that I am having an existential hair crisis?
SARAH: I couldn’t figure out if I was blonde or not. Which means that I’m really actually a blonde.
SARAH: But I know about existentialism. Which makes me not blonde.
SARAH: And as you can see, I’m back at the crossroads of my life.
KATE: You're blonde. Trust me on this one. I learned my colors in school. I was good at it.
SARAH: Kate, if I ever wasn’t a blonde, I might end it.
SARAH: Because my entire existence is based on the fact that I am blonde. Not Barbie blonde, but I’m blonde.
SARAH: And if ever I were not to be, I wouldn’t know how to act.
SARAH: As opposed to now, when I just don’t know how to act for the sake of not knowing how to act.
KATE: Since when has your existence been based on the fact that you're blonde?
KATE: What the hell kind of existence is that?
SARAH: It’s my blonde existence! It’s the existence I’ve had for 25 years.
SARAH: It’s based on the fact that because I have blonde hair, I can do whatever I want. And you know, make unreasonable demands.
SARAH: It is my blonde existence!
SARAH: I do not have to justify it to you (mostly because I cannot)!
A few minutes later
SARAH: Besides, if I had hair like BJ’s or something, I would have already thrown myself off a cliff. Because that is stupid hair.
KATE: I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around the idea that your hair color is what justifies unreasonable demands. I thought you just made them because you could.
KATE: If you were a brunette you could do the same thing.
SARAH: But would anyone listen to me? No. They would not.
SARAH: Then I would just seem like I was being picky about things. It seems more conniving when you’re blonde.
SARAH: I’m just making shit up at this point, you know that, right? Like, I don’t even believe what I’m saying.
A few minutes later
SARAH: Or maybe I do.
A few minutes later
SARAH: Perhaps I don’t.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Sarah Does What She's Told (an e-mail from Sarah)
ME: I don't understand this.
SNOTTY SUPERVISOR: What don’t you understand?
ME: Like, all of it.
SNOTTY SUPERVISOR: Write down what you don’t understand.
So I took a piece of paper and wrote “everything.”
SNOTTY SUPERVISOR: What don’t you understand?
ME: Like, all of it.
SNOTTY SUPERVISOR: Write down what you don’t understand.
So I took a piece of paper and wrote “everything.”
Sarah Anticipates Her Family Vacation
A week from now, I’ll be drinking vodka and reading on a beach. A WEEK. I can do this. I can work through this week to get to the vodka on the other side.
I’m like the chicken that crossed the road, except I’m Sarah, and I exploded all the shit in my way to get to the end of the week. And the vodka.
I’m like the chicken that crossed the road, except I’m Sarah, and I exploded all the shit in my way to get to the end of the week. And the vodka.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy
Kate. Kate. I love you so bad I want to pee.
I don’t know what those two thoughts have to do with each other, but know this: loving you so much I have to pee is the greatest compliment I can give.
I don’t know what those two thoughts have to do with each other, but know this: loving you so much I have to pee is the greatest compliment I can give.
Texts from Sarah: 4:33 on a Thursday
SARAH: That-
SARAH: Kate.
SARAH: Boss Lady is singing The Thong Song.
SARAH: Jesus Christmas, what is going on here?
SARAH: Kate.
SARAH: Boss Lady is singing The Thong Song.
SARAH: Jesus Christmas, what is going on here?
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Texts from Sarah: Vacation Edition
I am telling you this because you are my soupsnake - my parents are arguing about what is the best way to wipe one's ass.
Sarah Slammed Her Finger in a Door. It Got Gross.
SARAH: Grosssssssssssssss finger. It’s fascinating.
SARAH:I can’t look away. Honestly, I can’t.
KATE: You are so funny with Gross Finger. I mean, obviously I'm sorry that it hurts and is gross, but your fascination with it is fascinating to me.
SARAH: I can’t help it. it’s so interesting and totally gross. Like…who expects that?
SARAH: It’s kind of like when my dad joins the HSA.* It’s gross, but I cannot look away.
SARAH: I come from a weird family.
SARAH: I say that like maybe MAYBE you haven’t realized that yet and think that everything that goes down in my family is normal.
*The HSA, or Home Surgery Association, is what it's called when Sarah's father takes a drill to a swollen finger, or a screwdriver to a busted tooth...usually his own, but not exclusively.
SARAH:I can’t look away. Honestly, I can’t.
KATE: You are so funny with Gross Finger. I mean, obviously I'm sorry that it hurts and is gross, but your fascination with it is fascinating to me.
SARAH: I can’t help it. it’s so interesting and totally gross. Like…who expects that?
SARAH: It’s kind of like when my dad joins the HSA.* It’s gross, but I cannot look away.
SARAH: I come from a weird family.
SARAH: I say that like maybe MAYBE you haven’t realized that yet and think that everything that goes down in my family is normal.
*The HSA, or Home Surgery Association, is what it's called when Sarah's father takes a drill to a swollen finger, or a screwdriver to a busted tooth...usually his own, but not exclusively.
The Chain Gang Don't Take Kindly to All This Talk of Shanking
Think of where I would be if it weren’t for you. IN PRISON, that is where.
The Romance, Rekindled
SARAH: I’m not totally heartless when it comes to BJ.
SARAH: I just hate his existence.
SARAH: And he has stupid hair.
SARAH: I just hate his existence.
SARAH: And he has stupid hair.
Suck It, Evolution
Kate, it really is amazing that you are still alive. Even more amazing than the fact that I am still alive. Survival of the fittest ain’t got shit on us. Or something.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
If You Liked It Then You Should Have Asked to See a Dessert Menu
SARAH: When I was in the bathroom washing my hands, I got a hardcore craving for a NY strip steak. HEY BOYS. BUY ME STEAK.
SARAH: Isn’t it nice to see that life is cyclical? We may have thought that I have grown, but no. I’m still putting out for steak.
SARAH: And mashed potatoes.
KATE: HA. That's right. Your body is a precious commodity. Don't give it up for just any dinner. Make sure there are mashed potatoes too.
SARAH: Listen, if they want some, they better pony up for mashed potatoes with my steak.
SARAH: And I want a salad too.
SARAH: And some vodka drinks.
SARAH: I’m too good for anyone that cannot afford those things.
SARAH: Isn’t it nice to see that life is cyclical? We may have thought that I have grown, but no. I’m still putting out for steak.
SARAH: And mashed potatoes.
KATE: HA. That's right. Your body is a precious commodity. Don't give it up for just any dinner. Make sure there are mashed potatoes too.
SARAH: Listen, if they want some, they better pony up for mashed potatoes with my steak.
SARAH: And I want a salad too.
SARAH: And some vodka drinks.
SARAH: I’m too good for anyone that cannot afford those things.
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