Demon Cat's Keyboard Debut

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Daily/Colbert - Keyboard Cat
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

Last night i showed my mom Keyboard Cat. She didn't understand why it was funny, but I showed it to her. Then, after she had thrown the slippers at Ollie, I picked him up and said "Keyboard Ollie!" and flung his paws around and hummed the song. She told me I had to stop because Ollie was going to get away again and he had to go to bed.

Sometimes I am truly convinced that I live in a sitcom. There's no way this is a real life we're living.

This is Turning Into The Best of Sarah Hating on BJ

KAREN: Soooo I am confused...I love reading your chats with "BJ" on "Best of Sarah"...but who is that!?!
SARAH: BJ is a friend of Kate’s that I’ve met once or twice. He’s pretty much like me…except pretentious. I just like to be mean to him because I can.
KAREN: Interesting. You are hilarious. =)
SARAH: I sometimes am, it’s true. Basically I’ve been taking my sore muscles and turning it into fresh hatred to spread around to everyone. Or just to BJ.

All Class, All the Time

SARAH: I have to pee. Again.
SARAH: This makes me so mad.
KATE: You can't control it, just accept it. We pee a lot.
SARAH: Doesn't it bother you? Like, why am I peeing so much? I had a small iced coffee this morning, and a diet coke.
KATE: Well, both coffee and soda are diuretics.
KATE: They make you pee.
SARAH: YOU MAKE ME PEE

I'll Take "Dysfunction" for $800, Alex.

SARAH: So there was a category on Jeopardy last night called "What's Wrong With Me?"
KATE: No way. That show is too good.
SARAH: Yes. And my mom was shouting at the TV.
KATE: That's what's wrong with her.
SARAH: Shouting?
KATE: I don't know, but if she was an answer that would be the question.
KATE: "This is what's wrong with Sarah's mom."
KATE: "What is shouting?"
SARAH: Maybe that can be our new game, coming up with Jeopardy answers and questions.
KATE: "This includes sleeping, sleeping, and having a pity party."
KATE: "What are Kate's plans for the day?"
KATE: That is correct!
SARAH: "This includes falling down, drinking too much and insulting people."
SARAH: "What is how we know that Sarah is Sarah?"

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

So I was downstairs walking/running/dying on the treadmill and it was wicked hot, so I opened the basement door to let some cool air in. Ollie ran in the house and I couldn't keep an eye on him because HELLO, he's a f***ing cat and because I was dying. Then my dad came in, and then B2, and my dad started listening to music at like, 40 decibels because it was that kind of day, I guess. And the door was still open, so Ollie must have run back outside because you know, sometimes he thinks.

Then my mom came home and OMG WHERE IS HER BABY OMG OMG OMG I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU SH***Y KIDS ANYMORE.

The Wedding Pool, Part III

BJ: IF KATE DIDN'T INDULGE YOU, YOU'D COME BY HER HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT DRUNK AND THROWING SHOES AND VODKA BOTTLES
SARAH: I am awesome and freaking sweet and you are none of those things. YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE CUPCAKES.
BJ: Why bother? Other people make them for me!
SARAH: Yeah...not anymore.
BJ: Kate will still make me cupcakes, and I will tend fainting goats.
BJ: and you WON'T BE ALLOWED TO VISIT.
BJ: THERE WILL BE NO CUPCAKES AND NO GOATS FOR YOU SARAH

later.

SARAH: BJ, we both know that if we got into a fight, I would win. Because I eat meat.
SARAH: and that makes me stronger and better.
BJ: It makes you neither of those things. Plus, you're also a lush. And that makes me faster.
SARAH: I wasn't the one drunk on whiskey, okay?
BJ: And still I bested you.
SARAH: On what? What did you do?
BJ: Awesomeness. Yeah, I bested you real hard in the "Awesomeness" category.
BJ: Despite being drunk on whiskey.
SARAH: You know what? We need to assemble a panel of judges, and let them decide
SARAH: who is more awesomer.
BJ: They will name me.
BJ: Or we can just bug Kate about it. That'll be pretty good for a laugh.
BJ: But after lunch. I have to go eat now. Can't be this awesome without food.
SARAH: Yeah. Your weak little sad person food.
BJ: My awesome food. You shut up.

Aside: The Aftershocks of Sarah

BJ: KATE
KATE: Yes?
BJ: KAAAAAAAAAAATE. SARAH IS BEING MEAN TO ME ABOUT MY HAIR
KATE: This is between y'all. But that's not very nice. Did you insult her hair?
BJ: NO
KATE:Maybe you should.

minutes pass

BJ: Now she's saying you don't care about me. TELL HER YOU CARE, KATE. TELL HER!
KATE: I AM NOT INVOLVED. NOT. INVOLVED
KATE:But I will turn this Internet right around if you guys don't work it out.
BJ:This is going to be like Highlander.
KATE: I definitely believe that.
BJ: And Sarah is The Kurgan and will follow me through time wearing bad shoes and raping women.
BJ: until I kill her.
KATE: Probably.

The Wedding Pool, Part II (We Start to Notice a Trend)

BJ: Ain't nothing wrong with my haircut.
SARAH: Suuuuuuuuuuuure.
BJ: I HAVE TO GO WORK FOR A MINUTE BUT KATE SAYS YOU ARE MEAN AND THAT YOUR HAIR IS UGLY
SARAH: Well, I know that she didn't. Because she and I are hetero lifemates and you're just a stupidface. With stupid hair.
BJ: SUCK IT, NERD
SARAH: I think we both know I'm not a nerd. I don't play WoW.
SARAH: and I don't work on computers
SARAH: and most importantly, I'M NOT YOU.
BJ: WHICH IS WHY YOU AREN'T AWESOME
SARAH: Is there a Best of BJ blog? Well, there probably is, but it's about blowjobs.
BJ: haha
SARAH: but NO, you don't have a best of BJ blog because YOU ARE NOT AWESOME.
BJ: NO, IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T SHARE ALL OF MY INANE RAGE WITH KATE.
BJ: I AM BUSY DOING OTHER THINGS, AND I'M SURE KATE HAS THINGS SHE'D RATHER DO
SARAH: Because Kate doesn't care about you and your silly hipster rage.

Now Taking Wagers for the Wedding Pool, Part I

BJ: Everything you do on the internet fills me with dread. Also, I am not FAILMEATS. 'Cause I don't know what the hell that is.
BJ: Unless that means "Awesome." In that case, I am.
SARAH: Yu are the meats of fail. *you
BJ: Hahahaha! Something about shoddy spelling turns your TERRIBLE AND EVIL SLANDER into comedy gold!
SARAH: Kind of like your face every day. And your haircut.
BJ: HOLD ON I'M WORKING GOD
SARAH: NO I WILL NOT HOLD ON. YOU ARE FAIL, BJ.
SARAH: ABSOLUTE FAIL ALL THE TIME EVERYDAY.

He's Not Even Here to Defend Himself.

Kate, you are not full of fail because last night you made AMAZING strawberry shortcake and had drunk pasta and had fun with your friends.

But the most important reason that you are not full of fail is because you are NOT BJ. He doesn't even get invited to meetings at his own office! You get invited to meetings and they tell you they love your mad cupcake skillz.

What sort of skills does BJ have? Aside from sucking skills.

(He is full of fail. About life.)

All the Single Ladies

KATE: I can't stop proofreading.
SARAH: You should see someone about that.
KATE: I really should.
KATE: Okay, got an e-mail from Netflix, Kung Fu Panda is coming.
SARAH: Wheeeeeeeeee!
SARAH: Kate, I am shocked we are single.

Pooooooor BJ.

SARAH: NO, BJ. YOU IZ FAILMEATS.
KATE: HA. That is just wonderful.
SARAH: Damn it, he's not on google talk, otherwise I would call him that to his face.
KATE: Well, to his google.

Sarah Just Does Not Learn

Previously, on Best of Sarah, we learned that Sarah will blindly take anything anyone hands her.

Today:
SARAH: My coworker gave me almonds to eat before my training session. She is so helpful.
KATE: That was nice.
SARAH: She said "HERE, EAT THESE," and so I did.
KATE: And you didn't even ask what they were.
SARAH: No, because i KNEW they were almonds.
SARAH: And even if I didn't...I would have eaten them anyway.
KATE: Now we get to the truth.

Right in the Love Hole

SARAH: Jesus Christ, Bossy is cruising for a bruising. She's getting a punch in her face hole, and I 'm going to mean it.
KATE: Face hole, eh?
SARAH: Kind of like a love hole, but your face.
KATE: Oh dear.
SARAH: And you don't get punched in the love hole...unless you're dating Achilles, he decided it would be a good idea to headbutt his girlfriend. In the love hole.
SARAH: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Why do you let me speak? WHY?
KATE: Do you really think I could stop you?

Not Exactly Material Girls

KATE: I wish I was better-dressed and had more style, but it is SO not a priority.
SARAH: And I wish I wasn't a fatty, but we all can't have what we want.
KATE: Who's the best-dressed person you know?
SARAH: My cousin. She's always very well put together. She can wear white things and not spill on them.
KATE: Wow.
SARAH: I like how that's how we know she's fancy.

How Many Tacos?

SARAH: OMG. THERE IS A COOKBOOK ALL ABOUT TACOS.
KATE: Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? That's a buttload of tacos!
SARAH: AND? Do you know what it's called?
KATE: Buttload of Tacos?
SARAH: TACOS. It is called Tacos. Which is very to the point. You don't have to wonder what the cookbook is about. The title tells you.
SARAH: "TACOS!" it screams from the shelves.
SARAH: Or maybe you're in a library. and then it would just whisper, "tacos!"
KATE: You are really punchy.
SARAH: It's only 2:15 and I am not even close to being done with my nonsense.

Tuesday Really Was a Banner Day

SARAH: I just told my coworker I was going to tell the government that she texts while she drives.
SARAH: I don't know what that means either, really.
KATE: I am so glad I know you.
SARAH: Why, so I won't tell the government on you?
KATE: No, because you're ridiculous.

Sarah and the Sweet Nothings

SARAH: Achilles' nephew is 14 and probably having sex.
KATE: Ew.
SARAH: and since I'm well...me...I asked Achilles, "How do you feel that you're twice as old as him and he's getting more ass?"
KATE: You didn't.
SARAH: I did. Because I am Satan or something.
KATE: That's the only reason I can come up with.

Sarah and the Disclaimer

SARAH: I should tattoo a disclaimer on my forehead: "WARNING: I AM GOING TO OFFEND YOU. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME. SOMETIMES I'M KIND OF HEARTLESS. YOU BETTER LEARN TO LIKE IT OR JUST WALK AWAY, ASSHOLE."
SARAH: I should punch them when they are done reading, for good measure.
KATE: Agreed. You can't be too careful.
SARAH: Hey, when people interact with me, those are the chances they take. You might hit them with a shovel, but I will break down their self esteem, and then say "HAHAHAH, I LOVE YOU AND THAT'S WHY I'M MEAN TO YOU! Now get in this bag so I can get rid of you."

Nom Nom...Ugh.

KATE: I was thinking, I should make Vacation Cupcakes next.
SARAH: Vacation cupcakes?
KATE: Yeah, I call them that because it's like a vacation in your mouth.
SARAH: uhh...what does a vacation taste like? sunburn and pina coladas?
SARAH: Ew and peeling skin is the aftertaste.
KATE: oh GROSS. Thanks.
SARAH: Like you would expect any less from me.

More Fun with Demon Cats

SARAH: The Japanese are like professional cat torturers. Look at this.
KATE: OMG. I like this one already.
SARAH: Oh, OOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLIE? Where did you goooooooooooo? I have some fun for youuuuuuuuuuu!

Gettin' Murdery

SARAH: I will like you, even if you go on a murderous rampage. And I'll let you go on that rampage because THAT'S WHAT A GOOD FRIEND DOES, LETS THEIR FRIEND KILL PEOPLE THAT BOTHER THEM.

I do like the idea of you going "I WILL MURDERY EVERYONE" and me being like "Here, let me sharpen this knife and give you a gun and a shiv and you know what? Here's a hand grenade for good measure and some poison something or other in a cupcake. I know they look good and tasty, but they are filled with death...so don't eat them."

KATE: Oh man, I got so excited when I read that because instead of a shank I thought you were giving me a shark. And while all those other weapons are great, how awesome would it be to arm someone with a shark?

Totally awesome, that's how awesome.

The Continued Adventures of Demon Cat

When I got home last night from babysitting, it was shouty o'clock. It hasn't been that time at my house in a while. B2 went on the hunt for my mom's car keys so he went into the garage to look. He said that when he got there, Ollie was rolling around on the top of my mom's car like he was in a playpen. It made me laugh a whole lot.

Oh, and this morning? The cat was eating corn on the cob. No, I don't know why either.

After a Long Weekend

BStP: What is your picture??
SARAH: It's a guy in a butterfly costume.
BStP: ...AND???
SARAH: And what?
SARAH: Here. Go here. It's the guy on the right. He's an evil henchman.
BStP: If I lend you $5.00, will you go out and put a deposit down on A LIFE?!?!?
SARAH: I think they cost more than $5.
BStP: Not mine! Of course, I bought mine used...
SARAH: Ewww...I hope you washed it first.

Sarah and the Days of the Week

SARAH: Oh, woe is Achilles. He gets sick and he's so sad. But I want to tell him to grow a pair.
SARAH: But then we'll talk about balls.
KATE: Oh, man, you're right.
SARAH: And I'm not ready for ball talk.
KATE: No.
SARAH: It's not Talk Testicles Tuesday!
SARAH: It's For F***'s Sake Friday.

It's Important to Have Standards

KATE: Oh man, I'm psyched for this dinner tonight, it will be most excellent.
SARAH: As long as Vinny doesn't try to, you know, put roofies in your pasta.
KATE: Well, I'm counting on you to help me keep watch.
KATE: Besides, if so I'd just give it to you, since we know you'll take anything.
SARAH: Hey now! Not from Vinny!
KATE: Ha!
SARAH: Even I have roofie standards.

Introducing: Tragic Nikki

KATE: Awww. Tragic Nikki is so sweet.
SARAH: She might have been misguided, but her heart is in the right place.
KATE: Exactly.
SARAH: And whenever I think of when you told me that Tragic Nikki wanted a baby and you said "SHOVEL, NIKKI. SHOVEL," I laugh a lot.
KATE: I don't even remember what that means. What did it mean? Did I threaten to hit a pregnant woman with a shovel?
SARAH: I think you were going to hit her with it.
KATE: Wow. She really brought out the best in me.
SARAH: Some people have it coming.

More Wisdom Lost to the Ages

SARAH: If you were trying to get me to sleep with you and you said what you just said
SARAH: I would totally do you.
KATE: Thank you. I don't know why, but that's heartwarming.

The Max Jr.

SARAH: Talking to me is kind of like talking to a hysterical old person. You never know what offensive mean thing I will say next.
KATE: It's so true. You are The Max Jr.
SARAH: Except I don't pee. I mean, I do, but not myself.
KATE: Good. Keep it that way.
SARAH: I will do my best.
SARAH: "What are you doing today?"
SARAH: "Not peeing myself, that's for damn sure."

Dunder-Dunder-Dunder-Dunder-Dunder

SARAH: Well, I'm only going to work myself up into a frenzy, like a shark about chum.
SARAH: And what happens then?
SARAH: Some man in a cage loses his arm.
KATE: We can only hope.
SARAH: Maybe he'll get maimed!
KATE: Going. To. Hell.
KATE: We. Are.
SARAH: Thanks, Yoda.

Apropos of Nothing

SARAH: Do you know what I feel hasn't been happening a lot lately?
KATE: What?
SARAH: Kidnappings.

Life Lessons

Okay, so last year at bocce, my aunt and I started what we called "life lessons."

Okay, well, the first life lesson is "be aware of the balls around you," which is a bocce lesson and a life lesson, really. I mean, balls: watch out.

The second life lesson was "if it tastes bad, spit it out."

The Lie in the Way Way

SARAH:  I was trying to leave and Jack was in the lie in the way way and I had to get out of my car and TELL HIM TO MOVE beause I was in the car and driving and that didn't seem to matter, because HELLO he had things to do in the driveway. Like get run over, I guess.

KATE: Yeah. He has priorities. 1. Get run over

SARAH:  Maybe he wants his elephant-man head to be even on both sides.

KATE:  2. Get run over again

SARAH:  3. eat the cat  4. walks

SARAH:  5. bark at you until you throw the ball GOD***N IT