KATE: Oh, Sarah. We have each other.
KATE: and underpants
KATE: and Cupcake Land
KATE: and Ben and Jerry
KATE: and that might be it for us.
SARAH: And if we ever were to sit on the couch in our underpants, watching Reno 911 and eating Ben and Jerry's...that would really be it for us.
KATE: With cats.
KATE: Suicide pact.
KATE: That's the end.
SARAH: I can see the end - I feel like it's not far off.
KATE: Oh my god, don't say that.
KATE: That's horrible.
SARAH: Also, I have a coupon for free Ben and Jerry's.
KATE: Stop it.
SARAH: So really..this is the end.
KATE: But Sarah,
KATE: we're too cute to die!
SARAH: Kate, I'm just throwing this out there--
SARAH: If I'm not seriously dating someone by the time I'm 30, I'm killing everyone.
KATE: Sounds good.
SARAH: Not you.
KATE: No, me too, please.
SARAH: NO, if I'm going to be miserable, I'm taking you down with me.
SARAH: Additionally, killing everyone isn't going to lead to me finding someone...
SARAH: But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
And Don't Forget to Give Me Back My Black T-Shirt
A little background: So it turns out Indiana Jones the Archaeologist has a part time job and is sometimes Indiana Jones the Bartender. This is how Sarah and Indy originally met. The following is a true story.
SARAH: Whoa. Check out this advice column:
How do you hook up with a bartender in a "happily ever after" kind of a way without running the risk of being forcibly ejected from the bar? I mean, the normal signs of mutual-like are there...but isn't it different with a bartender? Isn't he paid to be nice to me? But he remembers my name, my drink, that I don't like cherries, always comes over to talk to me....maybe I'm just an alcoholic who just tips well??? ~ Hannah-Lane
Bartenders are not allowed to sleep with you. It’s like hobo-code except instead of hobos they’re bartenders so it’s kind of a different code completely. But basically bartenders can't sleep with you because they got you drunk and it’s a conflict of interest or statutory rape or something. I don’t know. I don’t know bartender code that well. But here are the basic points I know: If he gives you free drinks he probably likes you. If he sleeps with you, you just got engaged. If he tries to renege after sleeping with you he owes you a pony. This is the bartender code.
KATE: Nice.
SARAH: Now he owes me a pony?
KATE: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
SARAH: I WANT A PONY, INDIANA JONES THE BARTENDER
SARAH: YOU CAN'T DIG THAT OUT OF THE GROUND
KATE: Maybe one of those terra cotta Chinese ones?
KATE: like the soldiers. There was always a horse or two.
SARAH: NO, I want a real one.
SARAH: REAL PONY, KATE.
KATE: But you can dig those out of the ground!
SARAH: I will not like his fake pony gift.
SARAH: I will throw it at him
SARAH: and demand beer.
KATE: They're life-size, you know.
SARAH: It's not real.
SARAH: I want to have a REAL pony.
SARAH: It can live on our deck.
KATE: I'm just saying you might have some trouble throwing it.
SARAH: And I can take it for walks.
KATE: You have it all planned out, hmm?
KATE: And where will it use the restroom?
SARAH: It will back its butt up to the slats on the deck
SARAH: and you know...make it work or whatever.
KATE: So it will poop on our lawn?
SARAH: We wouldn't have to mow the lawn! That's why we would get a pony!
KATE: I don't want a lawn of pony shit, Sarah.
SARAH: Aren't you just so snooty about that?
SARAH: Listen, PRINCESS, you'll get a pony shit lawn and like it.
KATE: What if I don't like it?
KATE: What if I want a terra cotta pony instead?
SARAH: Then you can get some sort of pony shit lawn cleaning device
KATE: No, YOU can.
SARAH: NO YOU.
KATE: It's your damn pony.
KATE: I am so mad at Indiana Jones for giving you a pony.
SARAH: It's what happens when bartenders are a-holes.
SARAH: GODDAMN IT INDY.
SARAH: I'm breaking up with him*.
SARAH: It's final.
KATE: Good.
KATE: Give him back his pony.
SARAH: I don't care what he says, I'm not taking him back.
KATE: Isn't that how the song goes? "Give me my pony back, you bitch"?
*To clarify: They never went out.
SARAH: Whoa. Check out this advice column:
How do you hook up with a bartender in a "happily ever after" kind of a way without running the risk of being forcibly ejected from the bar? I mean, the normal signs of mutual-like are there...but isn't it different with a bartender? Isn't he paid to be nice to me? But he remembers my name, my drink, that I don't like cherries, always comes over to talk to me....maybe I'm just an alcoholic who just tips well??? ~ Hannah-Lane
Bartenders are not allowed to sleep with you. It’s like hobo-code except instead of hobos they’re bartenders so it’s kind of a different code completely. But basically bartenders can't sleep with you because they got you drunk and it’s a conflict of interest or statutory rape or something. I don’t know. I don’t know bartender code that well. But here are the basic points I know: If he gives you free drinks he probably likes you. If he sleeps with you, you just got engaged. If he tries to renege after sleeping with you he owes you a pony. This is the bartender code.
KATE: Nice.
SARAH: Now he owes me a pony?
KATE: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
SARAH: I WANT A PONY, INDIANA JONES THE BARTENDER
SARAH: YOU CAN'T DIG THAT OUT OF THE GROUND
KATE: Maybe one of those terra cotta Chinese ones?
KATE: like the soldiers. There was always a horse or two.
SARAH: NO, I want a real one.
SARAH: REAL PONY, KATE.
KATE: But you can dig those out of the ground!
SARAH: I will not like his fake pony gift.
SARAH: I will throw it at him
SARAH: and demand beer.
KATE: They're life-size, you know.
SARAH: It's not real.
SARAH: I want to have a REAL pony.
SARAH: It can live on our deck.
KATE: I'm just saying you might have some trouble throwing it.
SARAH: And I can take it for walks.
KATE: You have it all planned out, hmm?
KATE: And where will it use the restroom?
SARAH: It will back its butt up to the slats on the deck
SARAH: and you know...make it work or whatever.
KATE: So it will poop on our lawn?
SARAH: We wouldn't have to mow the lawn! That's why we would get a pony!
KATE: I don't want a lawn of pony shit, Sarah.
SARAH: Aren't you just so snooty about that?
SARAH: Listen, PRINCESS, you'll get a pony shit lawn and like it.
KATE: What if I don't like it?
KATE: What if I want a terra cotta pony instead?
SARAH: Then you can get some sort of pony shit lawn cleaning device
KATE: No, YOU can.
SARAH: NO YOU.
KATE: It's your damn pony.
KATE: I am so mad at Indiana Jones for giving you a pony.
SARAH: It's what happens when bartenders are a-holes.
SARAH: GODDAMN IT INDY.
SARAH: I'm breaking up with him*.
SARAH: It's final.
KATE: Good.
KATE: Give him back his pony.
SARAH: I don't care what he says, I'm not taking him back.
KATE: Isn't that how the song goes? "Give me my pony back, you bitch"?
*To clarify: They never went out.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Sarah and the Archaeologist, Part III
He hasn't called yet. But if he does call, I'm going to pretend like I can't hear him. I'm going to say, "What? Sorry? Is someone there? This phone only works THREE DAYS AGO, when you were supposed to CALL ME."
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Sarah and the Archaeologist, Part II
SARAH: TEXT ME GODDAMN IT
KATE: He's still archaeologing.
KATE: In the parking lot.
SARAH: I don't want him digging in your parking lot.
SARAH: That's inappropriate.
KATE: snork
SARAH: HEY ARCHAEOLOGIST GET OUT OF KATE'S PARKING LOT
KATE: Agreed.
KATE: Get out of there.
KATE: He's still archaeologing.
KATE: In the parking lot.
SARAH: I don't want him digging in your parking lot.
SARAH: That's inappropriate.
KATE: snork
SARAH: HEY ARCHAEOLOGIST GET OUT OF KATE'S PARKING LOT
KATE: Agreed.
KATE: Get out of there.
Sarah Gives an Archaeologist Her Phone Number. This is Her Story.
SARAH: MAYBE HE ONLY WANTED TO GET DRINKS LAST NIGHT BECAUSE HE WAS UNDER THE IMPERIUS CURSE.
SARAH: Is that the right curse?
KATE: Yes.
KATE: And NO
SARAH: Or did I just make one up?
KATE: Sarah.
SARAH: DON'T TELL ME HARRY POTTER ISN'T REAL.
KATE: That is a) the right curse and b) you're stupid
SARAH: I'M GOING TO HOGWARTS, DAMN IT
KATE: OBVIOUSLY HE WASN'T CURSED.
KATE: He flirted with you BEFORE.
SARAH: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT
KATE: I DO TOO
KATE: HE TOLD ME
SARAH: MAYBE HE'S ALWAYS CURSED
SARAH: HE DID NOT.
KATE: YES HE DID HE'S ARCHAEOLOGING IN THE PARKING LOT RIGHT NOW AND HE SAID I AM NOT CURSED
SARAH: Is this really the argument we're having?
SARAH: because really? Someone should shove me down a flight of stairs.
SARAH: and I'm not even preggo.
KATE: Wwwwow.
SARAH: Yeah, I went there.
SARAH: And stayed for a while.
KATE: I think we're still there.
SARAH: Is that the right curse?
KATE: Yes.
KATE: And NO
SARAH: Or did I just make one up?
KATE: Sarah.
SARAH: DON'T TELL ME HARRY POTTER ISN'T REAL.
KATE: That is a) the right curse and b) you're stupid
SARAH: I'M GOING TO HOGWARTS, DAMN IT
KATE: OBVIOUSLY HE WASN'T CURSED.
KATE: He flirted with you BEFORE.
SARAH: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT
KATE: I DO TOO
KATE: HE TOLD ME
SARAH: MAYBE HE'S ALWAYS CURSED
SARAH: HE DID NOT.
KATE: YES HE DID HE'S ARCHAEOLOGING IN THE PARKING LOT RIGHT NOW AND HE SAID I AM NOT CURSED
SARAH: Is this really the argument we're having?
SARAH: because really? Someone should shove me down a flight of stairs.
SARAH: and I'm not even preggo.
KATE: Wwwwow.
SARAH: Yeah, I went there.
SARAH: And stayed for a while.
KATE: I think we're still there.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Wednesday Was a Very Long Day
SARAH: This cookbook has a recipe for Milanos.
SARAH: They have an assload of butter in them.
SARAH: Also - I almost wrote asshole.
SARAH: I don't know what an asshole of butter is.
KATE: That
KATE: is
KATE: disgusting.
KATE: If someone walked over here right now they would think I was crying.
SARAH: They have an assload of butter in them.
SARAH: Also - I almost wrote asshole.
SARAH: I don't know what an asshole of butter is.
KATE: That
KATE: is
KATE: disgusting.
KATE: If someone walked over here right now they would think I was crying.
Sometimes Sarah Has Opinions About Things
SARAH: So I'm reading this cookbook now and it tells you how to make all that brand-name stuff.
SARAH: Like Shamrock Shakes.
time passes
SARAH: CREAM CHEESE??!?!?
SARAH: YOU BUY THAT SHIT, YOU DON'T MAKE IT!
time passes
SARAH: DUCK SAUCE.
SARAH: THERE IS A RECIPE FOR DUCK SAUCE.
KATE: I like that you just shouted "DUCK SAUCE" at me.
SARAH: NEWSFLASH - NOT FROM DUCKS.
time passes
SARAH: FRUIT MOTHERFUCKING ROLLUPS?!?!
SARAH: WHY?
KATE: I couldn't tell you.
KATE: I am, however amused at how irate this has made you.
SARAH: Gatorade?
SARAH: You buy that shit.
SARAH: Goo goo clusters?
SARAH: What the frig are those I am disgusted
KATE: I think it's candy? You're the one with the recipe in front of you.
SARAH: Jesus, Kate, this shit is blowing my mind.
KATE: I can see that
SARAH: MAYO.
SARAH: WHY WOULD YOU MAKE MAYO?!?
SARAH: Like Shamrock Shakes.
time passes
SARAH: CREAM CHEESE??!?!?
SARAH: YOU BUY THAT SHIT, YOU DON'T MAKE IT!
time passes
SARAH: DUCK SAUCE.
SARAH: THERE IS A RECIPE FOR DUCK SAUCE.
KATE: I like that you just shouted "DUCK SAUCE" at me.
SARAH: NEWSFLASH - NOT FROM DUCKS.
time passes
SARAH: FRUIT MOTHERFUCKING ROLLUPS?!?!
SARAH: WHY?
KATE: I couldn't tell you.
KATE: I am, however amused at how irate this has made you.
SARAH: Gatorade?
SARAH: You buy that shit.
SARAH: Goo goo clusters?
SARAH: What the frig are those I am disgusted
KATE: I think it's candy? You're the one with the recipe in front of you.
SARAH: Jesus, Kate, this shit is blowing my mind.
KATE: I can see that
SARAH: MAYO.
SARAH: WHY WOULD YOU MAKE MAYO?!?
And Their Little Plastic Life Choice is a Surprise Every Time
SARAH: KATE PAY MORE ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEEEEEE
KATE: IF I PAID YOU ANY MORE ATTENTION THEY'D ARREST MEEEEEE
SARAH: Stalking?
KATE: Yeah.
KATE: I keep reading the one BoS post where you said, "I feel like I've been especially demanding of your attention recently. And by recently I mean for the last 15 minutes"
KATE: And I laugh and laugh and laugh.
SARAH: Yeah, that's pretty much how my life goes.
KATE: I just love that "recently" for you is about fifteen minutes long.
SARAH: I'm like a fucked-up goldfish.
KATE: IF I PAID YOU ANY MORE ATTENTION THEY'D ARREST MEEEEEE
SARAH: Stalking?
KATE: Yeah.
KATE: I keep reading the one BoS post where you said, "I feel like I've been especially demanding of your attention recently. And by recently I mean for the last 15 minutes"
KATE: And I laugh and laugh and laugh.
SARAH: Yeah, that's pretty much how my life goes.
KATE: I just love that "recently" for you is about fifteen minutes long.
SARAH: I'm like a fucked-up goldfish.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
No, the Harry Potter Jokes Are Not Even Close to Finished
KATE: So.
KATE: Want to hear something stupid?
SARAH: Of course.
SARAH: Is it "Hagrid's Buttcrack"?
KATE: OMG STOP IT
SARAH: Your grandmother is a blast ended skrewt
KATE: STOP IT YOU ARE A BLAST ENDED JERK
KATE: You don't understand.
KATE: Every time you say things like that I spray spit everywhere.
SARAH: You should stop drinking before you read my text messages.
KATE: I think I should probably start drinking before I read your text messages.
KATE: Want to hear something stupid?
SARAH: Of course.
SARAH: Is it "Hagrid's Buttcrack"?
KATE: OMG STOP IT
SARAH: Your grandmother is a blast ended skrewt
KATE: STOP IT YOU ARE A BLAST ENDED JERK
KATE: You don't understand.
KATE: Every time you say things like that I spray spit everywhere.
SARAH: You should stop drinking before you read my text messages.
KATE: I think I should probably start drinking before I read your text messages.
Charm School Dropouts
SARAH: WIN all over your face!
KATE: UGH. SARAH.
SARAH: WHAT?
SARAH: What did I do this time?
KATE: I am paralyzed
KATE: with laughter.
SARAH: Better than being just paralyzed.
KATE: True.
SARAH: JESUS I'm going to hell.
KATE: UGH. SARAH.
SARAH: WHAT?
SARAH: What did I do this time?
KATE: I am paralyzed
KATE: with laughter.
SARAH: Better than being just paralyzed.
KATE: True.
SARAH: JESUS I'm going to hell.
Witness the Power of this Fully Armed and Operational Short Girl
KATE: Oh NO NO NO. This intern has moved into the cubicle next to me and is playing his shitty rap music very loudly.
SARAH: Oh no.
SARAH: OH NO TERN.
KATE: TERN NO.
KATE: NO TERN.
SARAH: TERN.
SARAH: LISTEN UP.
KATE: He can't hear you.
KATE: His shitty music is too loud.
SARAH: KATE IS A VERY POWERFUL WIZARD
SARAH: AND SHE WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.
KATE: That's wonderful.
SARAH: You totes would.
SARAH: You're scrappy!
KATE: Scrappy.
SARAH: You will cut bitches.
SARAH: You tell him that.
SARAH: Oh no.
SARAH: OH NO TERN.
KATE: TERN NO.
KATE: NO TERN.
SARAH: TERN.
SARAH: LISTEN UP.
KATE: He can't hear you.
KATE: His shitty music is too loud.
SARAH: KATE IS A VERY POWERFUL WIZARD
SARAH: AND SHE WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.
KATE: That's wonderful.
SARAH: You totes would.
SARAH: You're scrappy!
KATE: Scrappy.
SARAH: You will cut bitches.
SARAH: You tell him that.
KATE: Uh, hello Cupcake Land.
SARAH: OMG YES NEVER ENOUGH GLITTER
SARAH: Do the curtains you're making have glitter on them? Because they should.
KATE: The curtains will not have glitter but other things can.
KATE: I can make seat covers out of shiny fabric.
SARAH:I didn't know that you knew how to sew.
KATE: I don't.
SARAH: Oh.
SARAH: Well, my mom knows how to sew and I kind of know.
SARAH: Not that you want my mom to help you do anything.
KATE: No, I do not.
SARAH: Except kill yourself. She could help you do that.
KATE: She's certainly a motivating factor.
I Guess That's Good
Kate, I'm always here for you. I might not make the best choices for myself, but I'll always make good choices for you.
Take This Seriously, Please
SARAH: We have to go to Farmingdale, NY.
KATE: We who?
SARAH: You and me.
SARAH: There is a place called Sarah Drive
SARAH: and we need to steal that f'ing sign.
SARAH: For reals!
SARAH: You act like my missions don't have a purpose
SARAH: and they are just silliness.
KATE: We who?
SARAH: You and me.
SARAH: There is a place called Sarah Drive
SARAH: and we need to steal that f'ing sign.
SARAH: For reals!
SARAH: You act like my missions don't have a purpose
SARAH: and they are just silliness.
Lessons in Terror
SARAH: Maybe i'll be like Ollie
SARAH: and hide in the bushes
SARAH: and scare children.
KATE: Please do.
SARAH: RAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRR VOLDEMORT I will yell when I jump out.
SARAH: And they'll fucking hit me with sticks
SARAH: Little assholes.
SARAH: and hide in the bushes
SARAH: and scare children.
KATE: Please do.
SARAH: RAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRR VOLDEMORT I will yell when I jump out.
SARAH: And they'll fucking hit me with sticks
SARAH: Little assholes.
You Want Me to Stay Up How Late?
KATE: zzzzzzzz
SARAH: I'm all hyped up over here.
KATE: Good, you can prop me up.
SARAH: KATE THIS IS HARRY POTTER YOU BETTER WAKE THE FUCK UP, WOMAN
SARAH: I'm all hyped up over here.
KATE: Good, you can prop me up.
SARAH: KATE THIS IS HARRY POTTER YOU BETTER WAKE THE FUCK UP, WOMAN
Kate Frolics Among Her People
KATE: I am currently living on Nerd Island.
SARAH: I wonder if they make nerd disinfectant spray.
SARAH: I'm going to have to buy it by the case.
SARAH: I wonder if they make nerd disinfectant spray.
SARAH: I'm going to have to buy it by the case.
Sarah Plans for the Future
SARAH: And when you're old, all the men are probably dead.
KATE: Can we just focus on the present please?
KATE: Let's find you a man for now. We'll find one.
SARAH: AT THE SENIOR CENTER.
KATE: hahahahahaa
KATE: omg.
KATE: I just snotted on my face.
SARAH: Sexy, Kate.
SARAH: Actually, I bet that would attract men at the senior center.
KATE: You bring out the snot in me.
SARAH: You snot on your face, they drool...
KATE: Oh ew ew ew
SARAH: a new exchange of bodily fluids.
KATE: oh GOD
KATE : that's HORRIBLE.
SARAH: And funny.
SARAH: You know you can't stop laughing.
KATE: Of course.
SARAH: I'm going to go and shake it to the old men in wheelchairs
SARAH: because maybe they are rich
SARAH: and want a nice girl.
KATE: I...
KATE: Speechless.
SARAH: And who cares if I am younger than their children or grandchildren?
SARAH: They just have to love me enough to leave me all their shit in their will.
KATE: Can we just focus on the present please?
KATE: Let's find you a man for now. We'll find one.
SARAH: AT THE SENIOR CENTER.
KATE: hahahahahaa
KATE: omg.
KATE: I just snotted on my face.
SARAH: Sexy, Kate.
SARAH: Actually, I bet that would attract men at the senior center.
KATE: You bring out the snot in me.
SARAH: You snot on your face, they drool...
KATE: Oh ew ew ew
SARAH: a new exchange of bodily fluids.
KATE: oh GOD
KATE : that's HORRIBLE.
SARAH: And funny.
SARAH: You know you can't stop laughing.
KATE: Of course.
SARAH: I'm going to go and shake it to the old men in wheelchairs
SARAH: because maybe they are rich
SARAH: and want a nice girl.
KATE: I...
KATE: Speechless.
SARAH: And who cares if I am younger than their children or grandchildren?
SARAH: They just have to love me enough to leave me all their shit in their will.
Time is Relative.
Kate, I feel like I am very needy for your attention as of late...And by late, I mean in the past 15 minutes.
Lessons in Seduction
SARAH: You should butter your landlord up with cupcakes.
KATE: I can do that.
SARAH: You can. Bat your eyelashes.
KATE: I'm doing it right now.
KATE: bat bat bat
SARAH: Sometimes that makes me dizzy.
KATE: haha
SARAH: I can be coy, but I might fall down.
KATE: I can do that.
SARAH: You can. Bat your eyelashes.
KATE: I'm doing it right now.
KATE: bat bat bat
SARAH: Sometimes that makes me dizzy.
KATE: haha
SARAH: I can be coy, but I might fall down.
Like the World is Not Scary Enough Already
SARAH: I hardly ever do things for evil.
KATE: Oh, hardly EVER.
SARAH: It's not like I've taught Ollie to use a gun...yet.
KATE: That cat does NOT need any more weapons.
SARAH: He would totally use it on me.
SARAH: Like a fucker.
KATE: Oh, hardly EVER.
SARAH: It's not like I've taught Ollie to use a gun...yet.
KATE: That cat does NOT need any more weapons.
SARAH: He would totally use it on me.
SARAH: Like a fucker.
Tweety = Death
SARAH: 2 things:
SARAH: 1: The sun is out and it's kind of summery.
SARAH: 2: If I ever own a tweety bird anything, I want you to kill me.
KATE: You don't have a say in the matter, I'll just do it.
SARAH: Thank the lord.
KATE: You can count on me.
SARAH: 1: The sun is out and it's kind of summery.
SARAH: 2: If I ever own a tweety bird anything, I want you to kill me.
KATE: You don't have a say in the matter, I'll just do it.
SARAH: Thank the lord.
KATE: You can count on me.
Ground Control to Major Sarah
OKAY.
PEOPLE.
I WILL KILL YOU ALL WITH MY HANDS.
When I answer the phone "Good morning, Company X," that's where you are calling. We are not the hospital. If you used the internet to find this number, you can find the number you want there. I want to be like FIND IT YOURSELF. Instead I will leave this woman on hold for a bit while I half-assedly look for the number. If you're going to be an idiot, I can be a bitch.
THOSE ARE THE RULES.
I did keep her on hold for 5 minutes though. It brought me joy...
I am the phone commander.
PEOPLE.
I WILL KILL YOU ALL WITH MY HANDS.
When I answer the phone "Good morning, Company X," that's where you are calling. We are not the hospital. If you used the internet to find this number, you can find the number you want there. I want to be like FIND IT YOURSELF. Instead I will leave this woman on hold for a bit while I half-assedly look for the number. If you're going to be an idiot, I can be a bitch.
THOSE ARE THE RULES.
I did keep her on hold for 5 minutes though. It brought me joy...
I am the phone commander.
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